This is always a hard post to write. But, I always like to go back and read through what I learned and to help me remember the details. I scheduled my ultrasound for just after 8 weeks to hopefully make it a time that we would know for sure whether the pregnancy was viable or not, so I didn't have to retest or do another ultrasound and wait it out.

I did the ultrasound at 8 weeks and 2 days. I had a ultrasound tech I have had in the past, and I was very grateful because he walks me through it step by step and doesn't make me wait for the NP to tell me. I saw the gestational sac, and I saw that sweet little baby bean- but what we didn't see was a heartbeat. My heart sank. I just kept telling myself to be strong and to hold the emotions in. The baby measured at 6 weeks 5 days. Since it wasn't measuring quite 7 weeks- they said I would probably have to do another ultrasound since some babies heartbeats don't start until 7 weeks. Another heart sinking. He said he would have the radiologist read it, and he would give the final word. My appointment with the Nurse Practitioner wasn't for another 20 minutes, but they didn't make me wait (which I was so grateful for). She came and met me at the ultrasound room and walked me into a room where I of course started to cry. All the fears had come true, and then my next thoughts were.....can I do this again? I had had the feeling we were supposed to have another baby, but could I do another loss?? Could I see the NP or the ultrasound tech give me those sad eyes and tell me they are sorry. She came in and talked about my options of how I would deal with the miscarriage. I told her I would rather just take care of it on my own at home. The recovery is always quicker and easier at home.

I then texted the four people that knew I was pregnant (BJ, Nina, my aunt Becky, and my Mom) and just said "no heart beat" and to BJ "No heart beat, I'm so sorry". After I went into my car and just cried. I knew I wanted to be strong when I got home for the kids and BJ, so I needed some time to let it out before I saw them. When I got home I did pretty good keeping my emotions in check. I had prayed a lot for comfort for whatever happened, and I definitely felt it! I remembered thinking, "I should be crushed right now, and even though I am sad. I can definitely feel God's power". I thought "this must be what Heaven is like. No matter what we have experienced or gone through, we can feel total joy through Him". It really strengthened my testimony on Gods Power.

Well, after waiting for another week and not having any cramping or bleeding. I looked at the summer calendar and decided that a D&C might be our best option to move forward. I was not sleeping well, worrying and going through emotions trying to decide what to do. I just couldn't take the medicine as I was worried I would have to do a D&C anyway, and it would just prolong all the emotions even more. So I called and talked to the doctor. They told me I would have to have a confirmation ultrasound before they would do the surgery, but that the doctor was willing to do it for me so I wouldn't have to go through the ultrasound tech again. We did the ultrasound on 6/4/19 (when I would have been 9 weeks pregnant) and bless her heart, she looked and looked and looked again for a heartbeat. But there was no blood flow in my uterus at all. You could also barely see the baby anymore. The baby was measuring at 6 weeks 4 days and that was at a good angle. It took her a bit to even get that. She tried talking me into taking the medicine to have the miscarriage at home, and I almost did. But I'm glad we went with the D&C on 6/7/19. It was actually Ashlynn's dance performance at Lagoon on that day, so we went and played for a bit before we had to go to the hospital. My amazing brother Nathan and his wife Kelsie came and watched our kids while we were gone. We just told them we were going on a date together. Kaylee was the only one who knew where we went. She had actually asked me a week prior if I was pregnant. I was so confused, and just told her that was a weird question. So when I found out I had miscarried, I asked her why she had asked me that. Come to find out, she had saw my search history and saw me write "pregnant with 5 kids". Smart girl. We had a good conversation and both cried a little together. But she was so sweet and mature about it all, I was glad we talked.

Afterward the D& C I told BJ I was just grateful it was done and we could move on. I was a little nervous for the anesthesia, especially since the anesthesiologist said in the 200,000 surgeries he has done- he has only seen myoclonic jerks 3-4 times! He did say they know there is a correlation with propofol, but said he felt better using that because it helps decrease my risk for bleeding with the D&C. He sat and waited as I woke up from anesthesia, and I didn't have them! I was so happy. BJ and I were talking, and that was my 9th surgery! whoah....way too many! He then said, "and that doesn't even include your pregnancies!!". ha ha. It's true, my body is probably wearing out!

So, here I am 6/8/19 laying in bed with a heat pad on trying to rest while BJ is painting, cleaning, cooking and doing everything for the kids. Man, I am so grateful for him! He does so much for me and our kids and never complains. Heavenly Father knew I needed the best Man out there for me to have as a companion. He knew I needed amazing support and love, and I sure got it!