They ran my HCG just under 48 hours after the first draw and it stayed at 29. I have felt some cramping here and there, but nothing has happened yet. I am starting to wonder if I was wrong and if it was just leftover from the last miscarriage? Still feeling like we can try again to get pregnant at this point. It definitely helps that I wasn't farther along and didn't have higher levels of hormones. Hoping and praying we will get our answers soon.

Exactly 4 weeks after my D&C on July 5th I got a very very faint positive pregnancy test. I had taken one 2 weeks after the D&C and it was negative, it was also negative on July 4th. The test was then a lot more visible and less faint on July 7th. Since I have been pregnant 10 times now, I am pretty aware of my body and my guess was I ovulated June 24th-25th because I was feeling cramps, right kidney pain, and pain in boobs. I then felt slight cramps, tired, and at the end of the night cramps on the right lower front side on July 1st, but then more what I felt like where "implantation cramps" on July 2nd.

My doctor's nurse called me randomly yesterday on July 10th when if my calculations were correct, I would have been 4 weeks 3 days pregnant, to see how I was doing after the miscarriage. She called while we were driving home from a vaca in Brian Head, so I covered my head with a pillow and told her I had actually been meaning to call them. Needless to say, she ordered a HCG blood draw and I ran and got it done before I cleaned/vacuumed the car. At this point nobody knew about the pregnancy including BJ. I wanted to help protect him emotionally as best as I could, and I'm glad I did because my level came back at 29. I was expecting at least in the hundreds, but thousands to be confident things were going well. Just the fact that a test usually shows at a HCG level of 20, and usually doubles every 48 hours gave me that confirmation that I was going to miscarry again. I am hopeful it will be a quick and early miscarriage. These are a lot easier to deal with emotionally because I am not as attached to the idea of having a new baby, and the hormones aren't as high yet.

Now, to figure out what to do next.....

This is always a hard post to write. But, I always like to go back and read through what I learned and to help me remember the details. I scheduled my ultrasound for just after 8 weeks to hopefully make it a time that we would know for sure whether the pregnancy was viable or not, so I didn't have to retest or do another ultrasound and wait it out.

I did the ultrasound at 8 weeks and 2 days. I had a ultrasound tech I have had in the past, and I was very grateful because he walks me through it step by step and doesn't make me wait for the NP to tell me. I saw the gestational sac, and I saw that sweet little baby bean- but what we didn't see was a heartbeat. My heart sank. I just kept telling myself to be strong and to hold the emotions in. The baby measured at 6 weeks 5 days. Since it wasn't measuring quite 7 weeks- they said I would probably have to do another ultrasound since some babies heartbeats don't start until 7 weeks. Another heart sinking. He said he would have the radiologist read it, and he would give the final word. My appointment with the Nurse Practitioner wasn't for another 20 minutes, but they didn't make me wait (which I was so grateful for). She came and met me at the ultrasound room and walked me into a room where I of course started to cry. All the fears had come true, and then my next thoughts were.....can I do this again? I had had the feeling we were supposed to have another baby, but could I do another loss?? Could I see the NP or the ultrasound tech give me those sad eyes and tell me they are sorry. She came in and talked about my options of how I would deal with the miscarriage. I told her I would rather just take care of it on my own at home. The recovery is always quicker and easier at home.

I then texted the four people that knew I was pregnant (BJ, Nina, my aunt Becky, and my Mom) and just said "no heart beat" and to BJ "No heart beat, I'm so sorry". After I went into my car and just cried. I knew I wanted to be strong when I got home for the kids and BJ, so I needed some time to let it out before I saw them. When I got home I did pretty good keeping my emotions in check. I had prayed a lot for comfort for whatever happened, and I definitely felt it! I remembered thinking, "I should be crushed right now, and even though I am sad. I can definitely feel God's power". I thought "this must be what Heaven is like. No matter what we have experienced or gone through, we can feel total joy through Him". It really strengthened my testimony on Gods Power.

Well, after waiting for another week and not having any cramping or bleeding. I looked at the summer calendar and decided that a D&C might be our best option to move forward. I was not sleeping well, worrying and going through emotions trying to decide what to do. I just couldn't take the medicine as I was worried I would have to do a D&C anyway, and it would just prolong all the emotions even more. So I called and talked to the doctor. They told me I would have to have a confirmation ultrasound before they would do the surgery, but that the doctor was willing to do it for me so I wouldn't have to go through the ultrasound tech again. We did the ultrasound on 6/4/19 (when I would have been 9 weeks pregnant) and bless her heart, she looked and looked and looked again for a heartbeat. But there was no blood flow in my uterus at all. You could also barely see the baby anymore. The baby was measuring at 6 weeks 4 days and that was at a good angle. It took her a bit to even get that. She tried talking me into taking the medicine to have the miscarriage at home, and I almost did. But I'm glad we went with the D&C on 6/7/19. It was actually Ashlynn's dance performance at Lagoon on that day, so we went and played for a bit before we had to go to the hospital. My amazing brother Nathan and his wife Kelsie came and watched our kids while we were gone. We just told them we were going on a date together. Kaylee was the only one who knew where we went. She had actually asked me a week prior if I was pregnant. I was so confused, and just told her that was a weird question. So when I found out I had miscarried, I asked her why she had asked me that. Come to find out, she had saw my search history and saw me write "pregnant with 5 kids". Smart girl. We had a good conversation and both cried a little together. But she was so sweet and mature about it all, I was glad we talked.

Afterward the D& C I told BJ I was just grateful it was done and we could move on. I was a little nervous for the anesthesia, especially since the anesthesiologist said in the 200,000 surgeries he has done- he has only seen myoclonic jerks 3-4 times! He did say they know there is a correlation with propofol, but said he felt better using that because it helps decrease my risk for bleeding with the D&C. He sat and waited as I woke up from anesthesia, and I didn't have them! I was so happy. BJ and I were talking, and that was my 9th surgery! whoah....way too many! He then said, "and that doesn't even include your pregnancies!!". ha ha. It's true, my body is probably wearing out!

So, here I am 6/8/19 laying in bed with a heat pad on trying to rest while BJ is painting, cleaning, cooking and doing everything for the kids. Man, I am so grateful for him! He does so much for me and our kids and never complains. Heavenly Father knew I needed the best Man out there for me to have as a companion. He knew I needed amazing support and love, and I sure got it!

Well, I made it to 6 weeks. I am definitely over analyzing every pregnancy symptom or lack of symptom everyday. I haven't been very nauseous yesterday or today nor have I been having to pee as much as I remember having to at this stage of pregnancy. I have been having a lot of emotions (crying a lot) and my boobs hurt like crazy. In the middle of the night last night I started panicking and thought about calling the doctor this morning to just run an HCG blood test so I can just know where we stand right now. But, this morning when I was more rational I decided it would be best to just wait it out. We have done the unsure numbers before, and all it did was cause me anxiety and more worry. If it were crazy high then it would be reassuring, but if its borderline it will just cause stress. I just keep trying to stay busy and getting my mind off of it as much as I can.

Yesterday it was Ashlynn's dance recital, and tonight Kaylee and Connor had their tumbling recital. They both did such a good job. It's amazing to see their confidence grow as they get up to perform. Connor was soo nervous last time, but this time he just kept saying "I LOVED IT". Afterwards while I was putting him to bed, he kept giving me hugs and smiles. He smiled really big and said, "You welcome for doing such a good job". ha ha It was the cutest thing ever. He has started to say "Your welcome" to me a lot. "Your welcome for doing what you asked", "Your welcome mom for coming home". ha ha. Love that kid.

Ashlynn did a great job at her dance performance. She knew all of the moves so well, and had so much confidence in performing. We did a moms dance together and she made sure to tell me what I was doing wrong and how to fix it.

Kinslee has been getting more into things lately. She loves to stand on top of the island or table and hear all the kids yell "MOM- Kinslee is on the TABLE". She is also hating the high chair, and is a stinker in eating sometimes. She just had her 18 month stats. She was a whopping 22 lbs.

Kaylee has started to feed the fish a lot lately. BJ had told her that she would need to start feeding the fish and show responsibility before we would ever let her have a dog. I reminded them both that we still don't ever plan to get one. I grew up with a bigger outside dog that I was never close with. I always felt so sad for her being outside on her own. I am also just generally not a big animal person. BJ has to clean the fish tank because I can't move them out of the tank without freaking out.

Well, there is a little update.

I haven't posted on here for awhile because....4 kids 😏 I have posted a lot about what we have been up to on instagram and plan to print some chatbooks. But I really like this blog as a journal, and plan to start going back to as I find time.

Yes, the title says I am pregnant for the 9th time. Crazy. Remember, when we were trying for number #3 and how discouraged I was wondering if we would have anymore kids. Heavenly Father sure knows us and what we need when we need it doesn't He?!

After we had #4 (Kinslee) I didn't ever feel "done", but I also didn't think about having more kids. I took my minipill progesterone only birth control while I was nursing, and then when Kinslee finished nursing at 12 months I contemplated getting an IUD. But after having such struggles getting pregnant before and not getting a "for sure" confirmation that we have completed our family, I just couldn't do it. So I kept refilling my birth control and used it diligently every morning (it also helped remind me to feed the fish). My neighbor Paige got and IUD and gave me the rest of her pills since we took the same thing. At this point Kinslee was almost 17 months old and it felt like I needed to decide my plan. I am 33 years old and not getting any younger. Not to mention, when I saw the fertility specialist they told me my egg supply was low for my age (and that was years ago). I was sooo scared about going through all the emotions that come with that stinken first trimester, especially with my miscarriage history. But I literally could NOT get an IUD. It was as if I was being stopped from doing it. I told BJ about it- and he said he didn't feel like we needed to have another child, but he also felt like Heavenly Father would be happy with whatever decision we made. He described to me my thoughts of not being able to get the IUD as a "stupor of thought". In other words, we should start trying to have a baby. I still could not emotionally do it. It was just tough. After a lot of talk, we decided to finish the birth control I had, and then possibly start trying June of this year and if I didn't get pregnant by Dec then we would let it go.

I finished the birth control in the middle of April. I was then packing to get ready for Women's Conference on April 30th and realized that I had not started my period as I had expected that day. Still not thinking anything of it, I continued to pack. The following day I decided to take a pregnancy test on wimp so I didn't wonder while I was gone. It was very faint, but positive! I left without telling BJ about the test and had full intentions of not telling him until I was 12 weeks. I didn't want him to have to go through what I had to go through.

I went to Women's Conference with a big secret. I had some sore boobs and was starving, but no other pregnancy symptoms. While at Women's Conference I heard a talk by Brad Wilcox that helped me a lot. He described recognizing the Spirit to a traffic light. The RED light is when we are told "NO" firmly, and the GREEN light is a "for sure YES". He then described the YELLOW light as being where we are a lot of times in life...the "unsure" spot. Do we GO or STOP? He said, Heavenly Father will always give us a RED light if we need to STOP. So if we haven't received that, then to PROCEED with CAUTION.

After hearing this talk, I realized that Heavenly Father gave me a clear STOP to getting an IUD and that no matter what happens with this pregnancy that I should continue trying to have another baby. It was such an "aha" moment for me. When I came home and was telling BJ about the things I learned. I told him about the comparison to the Stop Light, and then felt like I should tell him about the pregnancy (2 days after I found out). I felt like I needed him to lean on, and should include him in this even if it's difficult.

I was going back and looking at my previous miscarriages, and am still nervous as most of them were not discovered until 9 weeks. My first OB appointment will be at 8 1/2 weeks. I have prayed a lot for comfort, and I truly have felt it. Now....we wait.

This year the World Horseshoe tournament was in St. George. They hold the tournaments all around the world, so when we found out it was going to be close by we decided to take our kiddo's and join in on the fun. Grandpa Scott really encouraged all the grandchildren to play as they were trying to beat a world record of the most young kids playing in the tournament. Kaylee and Connor had not really played much until this year. So we bought them both horseshoes and let them practice here and there in the grandparents backyard. They both participated in 3 or so tournaments to prepare for the world competition. At first neither one of them could throw the horseshoe into the pit, it was just such a far distance. But after some practice they both started to get it closer and closer. They are still in the 1-2% ringer percentage, but the more they play the better they are getting. Connor LOVES to play, and Kaylee is meh about it. Kaylee likes to play with her cousins but really has no desire to practice.