I really hate days like this. Days where you get so down on yourself and nothing seems to help. I dont like being around negative people or seeing people sad. I have even blocked a few friends on facebook that seem to write a lot of negative statuses because I dont like it. It is so hard to hear that people are feeling down. You just want to make them feel better. You want them to be happy. That is all you want. So of course I hate it when I am like this. I feel like my emotions are all over the place with these hormones and I just wish I had more control.



I am kind of in a rut with work. Dont get me wrong I get paid awesome and it is the most flexible job ever with kids. I get to be a stay at home mom and spend my days with sweet Kaylee. I just sometimes feel like I am not working to my potential. There are now 5 nurses and one that helps out a lot but mostly does on-call in the middle of the night during the week. One of the nurses is full time who knows all, she is the case manager and almost runs the company; one nurse that works almost full time as well as hospice and has been doing it for a few years; a nurse that sees all of the hemophilia patients and is an expert in IV's; another nurse that works in a hospital as well and has a lot of experience from being a paramedic so my boss asks him a lot of questions and trusts him with almost anyone; a nurse that is an expert in wound vacs (shout out to Challae), and then there is me. My boss always brushes me off. I feel like a nobody to her. I feel like if I were to quit she wouldn't even flinch and I HATE that. I want to be valuable. I want to have an expertise. But like I said I am in a rut. The only way I can get to this point with my boss is if I were to work more. I cant work more because that would take away from me being a stay at home mom. Who would I ask to babysit? I dont want to take Kaylee to a day care and even more than that I know I would miss spending that special time I have everyday with her. Not to mention who could I get to watch 2 kids and then there is the fact that we dont have a lot of patients right now so there arent any more visits really for me to take.

I have NO energy. I feel like all I do is lay around all day. When I do get energy and motivation to clean a little bit Kaylee isn't too into the idea and makes it a little difficult to complete my tasks. I know that I am pregnant and chasing a one year old but when I dont get things done I feel even worse about myself.

**** So I wrote this blog post and forgot to post it. Well I figured out how to get out of this rut! Last saturday BJ watched Kaylee while I went and did a session at the Salt Lake Temple. WOW- have I missed going there! We all of bad days and sometimes weeks, so I wanted to share what helped me get through it! It also helps a lot that I have an amazing supportive husband! ****

I am just shy of 23 weeks pregnant and I am feeling it. I am sooo hungry all of the time and indulging in whatever I am craving. I am not sick or throwing up, but everything grosses me out. Smells are crazy excessive and exaggerated and my emotions all over the place. By the end of the night I am exhausted and usually end up falling asleep on BJ at around 8:30-9pm, and since I am soo tired I am usually pretty onry. Poor BJ deals with pregnancy really well. I feel like I am always apologizing in the morning to him and he just says, "I understand" and goes off on how amazing he thinks I am. How did I get soo lucky to have found such a supportive and loving husband?!

Everyone tells me that I don't look pregnant or am just barely looking pregnant. I definitely don't get as big as some people because I am tall and have a long torso. But I was looking at pictures of when I was 23 weeks pregnant and I am a little bit bigger now then I was with Kaylee at 23 weeks. I know I may not look as pregnant as others but I still feel the same way as they do at 23 weeks. I definitely love not getting huge but I think sometimes it is hard for people to remember how pregnant I am or even remember that I am pregnant. I mean I cant blame people for not remembering or pointing out how small I am because I am sure I would do the exact same thing. I just have to remind myself of that sometimes.

It is now 930pm and waaaaayyyy past my bedtime. So I better head to bead. G'night

Everybody told me that kids grow up fast. You never really comprehend that statement until it is your little girl turning one.

Saturday night our stake was having a Valentines dance. As most of you know- BJ and I LOVE to dance!! I put BJ in charge of finding a babysitter and he did a great job. He found a YW in our ward that has always come up to Kaylee to love on her at church, so we knew she would be a great fit. BJ wrote out instructions and gave the YW all the instructions she needed and swept
me away for dinner and to the dance. We met up with 5 or 6 other couples and ate dinner at the Salt City Burger Company (which was delicious!!!).
We then went and got our groove on at the dance. Man am I out of shape. We did one swing dance and I was huffing and puffing in the middle of the dance...but it sure was a lot of fun and brought back a lot of good memories. BJ used to go dancing every week! And as many of you know- we met at a swing dancing studio (Studio 600 to be exact). We sure do miss dancing. But plan to go on a few more dates dancing in the future.
Now to the title of this post. I am not old enough..or at least I don't feel old enough to be driving home a babysitter. I know it sounds silly. But it was just last year (ok maybe not- but it sure feels like it) that I was in the passenger seat being taken home after I babysat my neighbors kids. I remember the moms and dads who drove me home. They were older than me. Weren't they? It is just crazy how time flies. I am a MOM- soon to be a mom with TWO kids!

Yesterday my mom and I along with 3 other sisters sang in sacrament meeting. I was soprano and my mom was alto and the 3 other girls were in a trio singing a separate song that we meshed with "Love one Another" so they each sang soprano, alto, and second (make sense?)

My mom and I had to sing the first part just the two of us. Yesterday ended up being a missionary homecoming so there was a TON of people there.

We had at least 5 practices and I was feeling pretty good. It was a simple song and one that I knew. The practices were sounding good and I was singing confident and on key.

And then the performance came.....

The speaker before started talking and my heart just started racing. I knew after she was done we were going to go sing. I kept telling myself "there is nothing to be nervous about. You know this song. Just go sing it". My stomach started to hurt and my nerves were really getting to me.

The speaker finished her talk and it was our time to get up and sing. I couldn't look at anyone in the crowd except for BJ and Kaylee. We started the song and my leg started to shake. I started singing but I was quiet and not confident like I was in practice. My voice was weak and I was taking breaths after every couple words. Then the lip started to quiver. How can you sing when your lip is quivering??!! I am trying to sing with that lip!

Needless to say the song didn't go as I had planned or expected it to go. I LOVE music and I really do enjoy singing. I took voice lessons in high school and really worked on improving my singing. I don't have one of those amazing voices that when you hear them you just get the chills. But I have a simple voice that can hit the notes and it sounds pretty. But that is not what happened yesterday. Why do we get sooo nervous. I didn't want to get nervous. I kept telling myself not to get nervous but sure enough I stand up at the podium and totally lose it.

I was just a little disappointed about the nerves hitting me so hard. I wanted people to hear me sing, hear me sing how I know how to sing. Not that nervous blah. Even though I was disappointed in my performance I am glad I got up and did it. I got to sing with my mom who I love. I got to spend a lot of time with her practicing and getting ready for the performance. And even better- I got to spend time with BJ, Kaylee and my family all day long yesterday! What could be better? :)