Well, this has taken me some time to write. When I went in for my 7 week ultrasound at the fertility doctor's office with Dr. Hatasaka they did not see a HB. The fetal pole was still present but measuring 6 weeks 1 day (or close to it- I can't remember now for sure) and the gestational sac was measuring the same. The doctor said he is okay with the gestational sac measuring a week off, but the fetal pole he likes to see a lot closer especially since we had already obtained measurements before and it didn't grow as fast as he wanted. He told us to come back and that there was maybe a 10% they find a heart beat in a week, but he said "it wasn't looking good".

The doctor then gave me the "sad eyes" which I hate. I held it in until he left the room but then cried in BJ's arms. I only cried for a little bit and tried really really hard to just be tough. We didn't make the f/u ultrasound and figured we would just wait until I miscarried on my own.  There was only one day that I had told BJ I felt like my symptoms had gone away, but then the following day I was nauseous again. I had sore boobs, was tired, peeing a lot etc... It was so hard having all the symptoms but knew it was not going to be a viable pregnancy.

December 9th I messaged the nurse of my OB Dr. Hansen. I shared the news of the ultrasound from Dr Hatasaka and told her that I didn't schedule the follow up ultrasound appointment telling her that I pretty much knew I was going to miscarry. I told them with the year that I had that I would prefer not to have to have another surgery but that I was worried about miscarrying over Christmas. So we made a plan to wait it out but to go ahead with the D&C if it took too long for me to miscarry on my own.

Dr. Hansen asked me to follow the HCG quants to make sure it was going down, and I asked if we could schedule the D&C for the following tuesday if I had not miscarried on my own already. The ultrasound had already shown that the baby had not grown for a week so I was hopeful I would just start the process of miscarrying on my own. Dr. Hansen did give us the option of us doing the D&C on Tuesday, but I realized that was BJ and I's anniversary so instead we planned on Friday Dec 16th. Dr. Hansen felt more comfortable with us doing one more ultrasound before we did the D&C since the fertility doctor had recommended it. So we scheduled the ultrasound for the evening before. That Thursday was rough. The ultrasound tech found a heartbeat, but the baby was still measuring at just over 6 weeks and the gestational sac was misshapen and things did not look good. So we knew I was still going to miscarry, but it was that much harder seeing the heartbeat first.

Needless to say we canceled the D&C and I waited to miscarry on my own. Friday Dec 16th late morning I started to bleed. I was grateful we didn't have to do the D&C and that I could be home with my family. We continued to follow the blood levels until 12/21/17.

I then ended up having to work Christmas 2-10 that night. It was rough, but we got the morning together and I realized through everything we have been through how blessed we are to be with each other. I love my kids so much and am so grateful we have been able to have them join our family. I am also extremely grateful for my husband and the rock he is to me and our family. He has stayed strong through all that we have been though and it amazes me every time.

Isn't that so weird to think that this will be my 7th pregnancy! Three miscarriages and three amazing kiddos...hopefully this will be another amazing child as well :)

Well, I got my HCG results back. The first one was taken (11-14-16 2 days before my period was due and 13 days following my positive Ovulation test. That number was 59.3 (above 20 means you are pregnant- and for 3 weeks 5 days the numbers vary all over the place but it was a good number from what I understand. Here is a guideline but their are many different ones out there:

3 weeks.....0-50
4 weeks......5-426
5 weeks......18-7,340
6 weeks.......1,080-56,500
7-8 weeks.....7,650-229,000
and then the number start to drop
9-12 weeks..... 25,700-288,000
13-16 weeks...13,300-254,000
17-24 weeks....4,060-165,400
25-40 weeks.....3,640-117,000

I then got my HCG rechecked almost exactly 48 hours later (the numbers are supposed to double every 24-72 hours) and my number was 135! So that is also really good news. It was cute, I took Ashlynn with me to get my blood drawn both times and she just put her hand out waiting for the people drawing my blood to give her hand some stretchy Coban just like mama. The moment they gave it to her she held her hand out straight like she broke it ha ha.  They are now going to schedule me for a ultrasound with my fertility doctor where they will check to make sure their is a yoke sac and that everything is looking good. They should't be able to see a heartbeat at this point, but they can hopefully see if the pregnancy will continue.

As far as how I am feeling. I am feeling pretty good and calm. Definitely not getting excited yet, but I have felt at peace a lot. If you ask my husband I have been really really onry and tired. ;)

Symptoms I have been having:
* Sore boobs
* Dizzy!!
- Oh man I have been so dizzy. I did fall over once but I knew I was going to I just couldn't stop myself. I stood up too quickly and felt the blood rush to my head but I wanted to finish what I was doing and BAM on the ground. This time however I have felt dizzy even just sitting there which is odd. I read that your BP drops when you are pregnant so I am sure that is the problem since I already run low in my BP. 
* Slight Cramping
-This happened with all of my previous pregnancies including the ones where I didn't have miscarriages. When I had a miscarriage I had really strong cramps and then bleeding but I haven't had any of that so that is good.
* Nauseous
- Only once- and it must have been right after I implanted when the hormones were really high and all of the sudden, because it hasn't happened since. I don't usually get nauseous until around 6 weeks or so,
* Cravings
- I did have this with my last period though as well. The hormones really affect what I think my body needs. But this time around it has been a lot more than my periods but not more than my last miscarriage. Since the hormones are being produced even though their is no baby I still got cravings. My first craving was for a hamburger and french fries. It was 1030 in the morning and I was running errands with Ashlynn and all of the sudden I started craving it and we had to go get it RIGHT then. The moment I pulled out the hamburger I almost couldn't eat it because it made me sick thinking about it lol. The next and biggest craving I have had and continue to have is PICKLE JUICE! YUM! It is sooooo good. My mouth is watering right now thinking about it, so I think I will go get some :D LOL

Anyway that is the update. I will write how the ultrasound goes

Okay, here is my update on the fertility stuff. I did not get pregnant in October nor did I with my last prescription. So, I had to go in and see the fertility doctor. Doctor Hatasaka did a ultrasoun to check on the follicles and my ovaries. If I remember it right...My left ovary was significantly smaller than the right, but both were a little smaller than what they should have been. My right ovary had 5 follicles and the Left had 3 or somethink around that (I should have blogged about it right after so I would remember). Each follicle should have have 8-10 I believe. Anyway my numbers are sticking at the "fair" zone as far as the ovarian reserve goes. The doctor said with it being so long since I was pregnant he wanted me to have BJ do a sperm count and check that, and then have me go in and get a special ultrasound that would have to be performed in Pleasant grove. We both didn't feel good about going through all of that emotionally, because we know we can get pregnant. The doctor than gave us a prescription for Femara again. He wrote it for 2 refills but told me he wanted me to go in and have the tests done first and then we could do the femara after that, but he did tell me I could do one more cycle. We hadn't decided if we wanted to wait or if we just wanted to use all three prescriptions and try three months in a row, but we did decide that we didn't feel it was right to go through all the tests.

So last month we decided to give it one more big try and then go from there. I have felt a lot of comfort and peace throughout all of this. I know things could be worse. We are blessed with 3 amazing kids and I know that and I am not ungrateful, we just kept feeling like there was one more. My last period was October 19th, 2016. We used the ovulation tests and timed intercourse. I charted all the little cramps and weird feelings I was having and today I got a faint positive pregnancy test (2 days before my period was due). I went into the fertility clinic and got my HCG done and am still waiting for the results. We are then going to get a ultrasound done and then go from there. I decided to make an appointment with my OB because it usually takes a bit to get in with them and I figure I could cancel if I needed to. When she called me back and said "Congratulations on your pregnancy". I just said "Oh, thanks" in a non excited tone. She immediately said "Oh, can you talk right now?". I said "Yeah". I think she was just so surprised I didn't show any excitement. I think BJ and I are in the same boat and we just don't want to get too excited until we know everything is ok. It will help seeing the heart beat for sure, but I don't think I will breath a sigh of relief until maybe 20 weeks and even then I think I will still have a small fear. I was talking to a few nurses at work about the fertility medication and our miscarriages. Two of the nurses were shocked "You want another child?" "Dont you already have some?" "How many kids do you want?" "You will have to get another car now huh". Obviously I was pretty annoyed with their comments, but I kept it to myself and replied "Yes, we do want another". Then one of the other nurses piped up and told us that she has three kids but had 8 miscarriages in between them. :( All of this made me realize how blessed we are and that no matter what happens this go around that I am just so grateful. Who knows how many kids we will have, but for now I am just really excited for the chance to have more. We still have a chance and I know that is more than what other woman can say with their medical history. I also am sooo grateful for our three little munchkins. LOVE being their mom
Oh and I wanted to write this down since I took the time to figure it all out and will want to have reference:
Kaylee born 02/20/2010 (due 02/20/2010 water broke)
Connor born 06/29/2011 (due 06/25/11)
Miscarriage #1 9 weeks D &C around 8-15-13
Miscarriage #2 6 1/2 weeks (natural miscarriage) HCG drawn around 6 1/2 weeks (02/19/14-78.1, 02/21/14- 194.0) and then the ultrasound confirmed miscarriage
Ashlynn HCG (05/06/16- 171.6 4 weeks 2 days?) born 01/10/2015 (due 01/15/2015- NICU, home O2)
Miscarriage #3 10 1/2 weeks found out on April 1st 2016 (D & C shortly after, confirmed through ultrasound). HCG drawn at 10 1/2 weeks: (April 1st, 2016: 9,745 and April 3rd: 9,304) Progesterone 4/1/16: 9.6

10-11-16 It is day 20 in my 28 day cycle and my mind is busy thinking about having another baby. We have felt like we have another child waiting to join our family for awhile now, but we have gone through three miscarriages that have been really tough. I also had a lot of medical problems that came up (knee surgeries, foot surgery, and oh yeah my parotid tumor surgery) which has caused a lot of delays in our trying to have another child. The fertility doctor gave us last month and this month to use Femara to try to improve our chances of getting pregnant before he wants me to come in to get tested and to talk to him about a plan. I was really struggling with the thought of having to go in to see this doctor again and to hear bad news even though I know if it is right it will work out. It is just hard hearing the things that can negatively affect our chances you know. Anyway I was talking to my neighbor Paige who just told me she was pregnant and she was asking why I take Femara if I already ovulate on my own. I have asked that question to myself many times but haven't been able to figure it out. So I did a lot of research tonight to understand better and I think I finally get it. Femara is taken for those that do not ovulate on their own or for unexplained infertility problems which is the category that I fit into. When Femara is taken the enzyme "aromatase" is inhibited causing the estrogen levels to suppress. The pituitary gland then increases the FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) as a result. Having the increase in the FSH can help with ensuring the follicle that is released is mature when in the ovary. The increase can also cause the ovary to release more eggs at a time. These both increase the chances of a good pregnancy hopefully without a miscarriage because the body has more eggs to choose from and can pick the best one, and the eggs that are available will hopefully be mature. One cause of miscarriage is when an immature egg is released. I know also understand why the doctor needs to see us again before we continue on our path because our egg supply is already low and taking a medication that causes more eggs to be sent lowers that number even more. So I am sure he will want to see what my number is and evaluate the best course of action at that time. But for now, I am hoping this cramping that I have felt today on my right side means I just completed implantation and will have a positive pregnancy test in 3-4 days. All I know is I have been praying for comfort; comfort that we will know what is right, comfort that if we don't get pregnant that we can be patient and at peace, and that if we have to have another miscarriage that we will be comforted at that time.....but I have been praying a lot specifically that I would much rather wait and wait some more to have another baby rather than go through the excitement of a pregnancy to then again lose it with another miscarriage. I know we could handle it, but oh boy I really really really do not want to even think about doing that again. I figure if this is a positive pregnancy test than keeping a journal and writing down my fears and worries will help my poor husband not have to listen to my stress everyday, as well as it will help me get through all of my fears and anxieties.

Ashlynn has been talking and interacting so much lately. The kids love seeing her say "Swim suit" especially since it usually comes out as "Swim poop". She wants to do everything the same as her brother and sister. If they have a crouton with salad she wants a crouton with salad- NO exceptions. We can usually get away with giving her a sippy cup, but sometimes she insists on having a big kid cup like Kaylee and Connor.

Today when I was talking to Connor whether or not he wanted to come with me to the store. Ashlynn immediately raised her hand and said "I come! I come!". She will go get her shoes and put her binky or blanky into her bed if we ask her to. As soon as we come inside she walks over to her shoe bin in the mudroom and puts her shoes away. She will sit and start taking her shoes off in the middle of the floor right as everyone is walking inside but she doesn't care. ha ha

I was folding laundry today and she said "I help!". So I told her that we were going to sort the clothes in piles. She grabbed her dress and yelled "Pile!" and put it in a clump on the floor. It was so cute. Then after I had finished sorting the laundry and made piles and had them folded and ready to be hung on a hanger. I found Ashlynn with her clothes pile carrying it around. It ended up landed on Connor's bed in a big pile of mess; but to Ashlynn it wasn't messy at all.

Ashlynn's favorite thing to help with is the dishes. I open the dishwasher and take out the sharp knives and then let her go to town. She will stack all the plates and then say "help" and wait for me to lift her up to the cupboard where she will set the plates down in the correct place. She also loves to move the wet clothes from the washer to the dryer and then push the button to start the dryer.

One thing I did with Kaylee and I believe Connor was after we brushed teeth before bed we would always stick our tongue out or make silly faces in the bathroom mirror. Ashlynn and I have been doing this lately. It is my favorite. I love how silly they can be.