Okay, so I have been struggling emotionally and holding back just doesn't seem to be helping. So writing it down hopefully will help. It could be my thyroid or something is out of wack which is why I am going to see a doctor Monday. I kept putting it off because I don't want medication to fix my emotional problem and I don't think I am depressed because I still want to be with people in fact that is one of my struggles, but anyway the doctors appointment is to just check levels to make sure I am not anemic or having thyroid problems. I have had a lot of dizzy spells which is the explanation for checking the iron.

So first off. Today is the celebration of my Grandpa Parker's life since he passed away and today is his birthday. This is a big struggle for me because I feel a lot of guilt when it comes to my grandpa. First of all my Grandpa and Grandma have a lot of kids in the family so the relationship with my grandparents wasn't ever the strongest. And then to add on the negative things I heard from family members about my grandpa and some of the choices he made I just never really took the time to get to know him. He would always call my name to come over and talk to him but I never knew what to talk to him about. I wasn't interested in genealogy which is what he was amazing at and I didn't see him very often so I just didn't know what to talk to him about. So pretty much I was a horrible granddaughter and didn't really know my grandpa. And now as everyone celebrates his life I feel like the worst person because I was horrible and missed out on all of these wonderful things everyone talks about when they talk about him. :(

Next, I am constantly worried about what other people think of my thoughts, how I raise my kids, the way I said something and if it was offensive or not. Stupid things! And I know it is stupid but I literally can not NOT worry about it. One of the biggest things with this is when I have the feeling like I am a hindrance to someone. I hate feeling like that, but I also know how it feels to help someone so I try to allow people to help, but the moment someone even shows that they are put out or I think they feel put out I will quickly pull out and do it myself. This happens a lot with my kids. If we are somewhere and someone comments on how my kids are getting into something, or look at me when my child is screaming I just assume they think I am the worst parent and that my kids are annoying to them. It is so stupid.

So there's that and then comes the lamest one of all. I just want to feel so close to someone (besides my husband- he gets picked on a lot from me) that when they actually ask me how I am doing that I will really tell them. I mean people ask but for the most part it is just what people say so I don't usually tell them or if I do then the moment it seems as though my story is boring them I stop talking. Or even more than that- I feel like I have life so good so why should I complain about anything?! See, I am constantly worried about causing problems with people or being annoying etc. etc. etc..

Okay so I am actually feeling better now that I have written this down. But I am sure the moment I post this I will feel guilty and worried that someone reads this and assumes they did something wrong or that I was talking about them. Sigh- I just need to get pregnant again cause for some weird reason I am so chill when I am. See, my hormones are messed up! Too bad my endometriosis is messing up my body and that process. Okay deep breath. Life will all be better in the morning with a good nights rest and with BJ back from camping. Now to finish my schoolwork that is due tonight.