This past week has been a tough one. On friday April 1st (yes- April Fool's day) we went in for our 9 week ultrasound in hopes of hearing or seeing a heartbeat. It is still hard to look at these pictures; but this is what I had done to announce to BJ that I was pregnant.


This will have been my 6th pregnancy with the two other miscarriages I have had in between Connor and Ashlynn. BJ and I were both nervous and really really tried not to get excited, but we were still really hopeful. I changed doctor's since my last OB is now in our ward-ha. I wasn't too sad to get a new doctor though, because right before I had Ashlynn I got bronchitis and was so so sick. It took forever to get an antibiotic and for Dr. Pead to call me back, and he didn't ask me how I was doing when he came for his post visit after I had Ashlynn despite me being so sick and the fact that Ashlynn was still in the NICU. ANYWAY...it was just hard.
Okay back to my  new doctor- Dr. Laine. We went into to see her, but apparently they always have you see their assistants (nurse practitioners I believe) for the first visit. They don't do vaginal ultrasounds in this office either, and their ultrasounds are doppler and don't show very good. So when they didn't see a heart beat they sent us to get an offical ultrasound. We ended up being at the office FOREVER. We got labs drawn which showed my hcg was high and had only dropped slightly. The ultrasound showed their was a yoke sac but no heartbeat. They were still unsure if we were just too early to see the heartbeat but with my hcg as high as it was the ultrasound tech and I were both pretty sure it was a missed miscarriage. It was such a long emotional day. They kept going back and forth whether or not we are officially miscarrying or not. I wasn't bleeding and I was still having some of the pregnancy symptoms; however a lot of them had decreased. I knew after we didn't see the heartbeat that we were miscarrying; so the delay in all of us agreeing that was hard. The doctors office really wanted me to miscarry naturally and kind of gave me a hard time for not wanting to that. I have had two miscarriages and while I did not want to have a D & C; I knew with my levels being high and the fact that I hadn't started cramping or bleeding yet, that it would be a long drawn out process that is not only hard on my emotionally...but hard on the kids and us as a family. After we decided to go ahead with the surgery; they couldn't get us in till after the weekend. I did start bleeding over the weekend but not much. The kids didn't know really what was happening. Though they knew something was up since I was crying a lot (dang hormones). I just told them I had to have a "procedure".


I told my neighbor Paige what was happening so she could watch our kids while I went to the doctors. She then dropped off a sweet package that of course made me teary. I also had to tell my work since I had to get work off and needed my bosses help in covering a few hours of my shift. My work sent over a bouquet of flowers as well as my friend Jamie Scott. My aunt Becky found out a few days later when I was picking kids up from Kindergarten and she also brought over a package for us. And my amazing friend Ashley made us dinner the night of the surgery while Papa Bruce helped watch the kids. We felt very taken care of and loved by friends and family.



The D&C went as planned. I struggled a little coming out of anesthesia and was just really tired afterwards. I have since been in contact with the anesthesiologist with some past "myoclonic reactions" to another anesthetic they have used in the past (Propofol) in hopes of finding a better way to sedate me next time so I don't struggle so much. She was so kind and offered to look over me records and help me.

Needless to say with everything going on; it had been an emotional week. On the following Sunday night after the surgery we just relaxed as a family. We grilled outside on our back deck and ended up blowing bubbles together. It started out with just BJ or I blowing bubbles for Ashlynn and the other kiddos. But after awhile we were ninja hitting the bubbles, using our skills to keep the bubbles high up in the air. We were laughing so hard. I don't know how long we did this for; but it was a good hour I would guess. It was the best day ever. I couldn't remember the last time we had laughed and laughed and had so much fun as a family. Even though the storms in life are hard and really difficult; there is always a rainbow after...and the rainbows are sometimes overwhelmingly amazing that it makes it a little easier to get through the difficult hardships ahead.