Let me start by saying I know everyone feels differently about this and I totally respect every ones views and thoughts on natural childbirth, and I think what each person decides is what is best for them.

BJ and I were talking this morning and after our conversation I decided I wanted to document some of my thoughts and feelings about going natural with this pregnancy so I can remember them later on.

While I was pregnant with Kaylee I was ALL ABOUT the epidural. I would say, "We have these amazing medications. Why wouldn't I use them to help me feel better?! I mean- who likes to be in pain?" And I will agree that with all of my chronic knee pain it was nice at first to have the epidural, because I was completely out of pain. It was such a nice feeling. That however quickly wore off when I didn't have any control of my legs and I couldn't get comfortable. BJ and my mom kept taking turns helping me move my legs so I could lay on my side or even move up in the bed. It was a constant battle to get comfortable, and I hated not having control of my own body. They turned down my epidural several times and it wasn't until right before I started pushing that I could move my legs.

If the epidural was the only thing that made me decide to go natural this time around I don't think I would be able to do it. I mean- I could just get 1/2 the dose or not get any boluses unless I absolutely needed it, so I could still move my legs but not be in pain.

But I remember breathing through some uncomfortable contractions and feeling so accomplished after each contraction. When I got the epidural that feeling was gone and I kind of missed it. I had wished afterwards that I had gone a lot longer before getting the epidural.

I also remember wanting to walk around or even just sit in the rocking chair to ease some of the pain from contractions, but since I had an epidural I was to be in bed so they could continue to monitor the baby and my blood pressure.

Yes- I do have some concerns and fear. I worry about how the experience will be. Will I be able to communicate with BJ like I did with Kaylee's birth, or will I be too focused on breathing that I can't really talk to him. Will he feel a part of the labor or just feel bad I am in pain and in the way? Will I be able to find ways to ease the pain and stay focused without worrying about how I look to others. What if my water breaks like it did with Kaylee and they have to start pitocin for risk of infection- how will that affect the contractions?

After going through all of the fears I told BJ that I know I would feel like a failure if I didn't try it, but I worried about feeling like a failure if I ended up having complications and therefore ended up getting the epidural. BJ said, "It is better to have tried and failed then never to have tried at all".

I signed up for a Lamaze class that starts April 12th. It is a 6 week course that starts at 7pm and goes till 9:30pm every Tuesday night. My favorite part of the pregnancy class we took for Kaylee was how much BJ and I learned together and how better prepared we felt. I think this will push us to take time to focus on our birth plan, and it will help BJ to learn ways on how he can help me deal with the pain, therefore making him feel a part of the labor. BJ is my rock and I couldn't imagine having a different couch there helping me through this. I am excited for the class to start and think that it will help us both feel more comfortable and be able to make a plan together.